disappointed & disjointed

Ever felt grief over a loss that isn’t real? Yeah, me too.

We’re in the beginning stages of emerging from quarantine where I live. ‘Life’ is opening up: grass is vibrant and green, the sun is out (and so are the buns, hon), and birds are going bananas with their cheerful songs. It all feels good. The J.O.B. is kicking into gear and my team is venturing out of their home offices. At a glance, it would appear that this is the very moment I’ve craved for MONTHS now.

So why do I feel grief?

I hated the restrictions ‘shelter at home’ placed on my life. I felt trapped and restless most days. I had some wonderful company, enjoyed a new relationship (strange time for that, I know), and spent time with two of my friends who are my family-of-choice. I wasn’t alone. I just wasn’t free. Antsy by day, sleepless at night. My mind wouldn’t stop racing, my thoughts were all over the place. I experimented with a melatonin/Xanax cocktail to find just the right compound to induce a coma. (The recipe is 2 melatonin gummies, by the way. Skip the Xannies I you want to be human the next day.)

I anticipated feeling elated coming through this ‘moment’. I expected to feel lighter and hopeful putting on the work clothes, doing my hair, starting my car, and heading out to worky-work. I don’t feel that. I feel loss. I feel empty. I feel like it took forever but went by in a flash. I’ve lost the concept of time, worked harder than I ever have on the parts of my job that I absolutely hated and I’m coming to the end feeing like nothing was accomplished.

Is ANYONE with me?

Disoriented. Disconnected. Dismembered.

I should feel relieved and excited and liberated. I don’t.

I’m spending time with that realization and exploring what it means. I don’t have the answers just yet.

I don’t know why I feel disappointed and disjointed.

Maybe it’s the news. Maybe it’s the hangover of living in limbo for so long. Maybe it’s the first signs of understanding that normal was never real. I’m not sure.

I felt like writing today. That’s enough for now. I’m a huge fan of feeling all the feels and looking them in the eye and naming them one by one. This feels like grief… an emotion with which I am all too familiar. Something has died and I feel like grieving its loss. I just don’t know what it was.

You are Enough. Totally enough. 

Through her vulnerability and a generous dose of honesty and humor, Holly Chamberlain encourages and empowers others to find joy in every moment… even the impossible ones.

Holly is Regional Sales Director for a global pharmaceutical company and Founder of The aMasongrace Project, a suicide prevention organization. She is an advocate, speaker, and author. Her widely-read blog, “It’s Just Me” chronicled her journey of surviving suicide loss. Her latest endeavor, “Totally Enough,” is focused on empowering women of all ages to recognize their unique value, to walk in abundance, and to rest in the knowledge that they are already enough. As is.

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