On June 1st, 2013, from a hotel balcony in San Diego, I looked out at the ocean and confidently asked the universe to surprise me. I felt safe. I was in control. I had created an incredible life. I had a great job. I had an aMazing son. I had survived some pretty big life scuffles and come out winning.
I felt great. I loved my life.
It was a little facebook post that didn’t mean anything. It was a sweet wish in my heart. I wondered what June would hold. A good surprise maybe…
June not only ‘surprised’ me that year, it leveled me. It robbed me. It shattered me. It became the month everything ended. Everything that ever mattered was destroyed. The life I loved was gone. The boy I adored left and everything wonderful and good and lovely and fun and happy and worthy left with him.
Every June 1st, I welcome this month again with the same wish. Every year. Every single year.
I will forever post this on June 1st… until ‘posting’ on social media is no longer a thing.
Until June no longer hurts.
Until the universe has exhausted all efforts to balance the wrong that was done.
My mind knows I am owed nothing in this life; every once in a while, my heart violently disagrees.
What new moment is coming my way? What new hope? What new love? What new blessing? Or maybe something else… what new tragedy? What new loss? What new sadness?
There is no way to know. No way to prepare.
So I turn my face into the blinding sun and ask for it anyway. Maybe it is a dare. Maybe a shake-my-fist-in-the-sky rebellion. Maybe it’s an acknowledgment that I was never in control. Everything built can be destroyed. Everything lovely can leave.
I know that now.
So here we go again. Year 9. Hello, June. Surprise me. Do your fucking worst or do your absolute best. Makes no difference to me.
I will keep choosing to live. I will keep pressing forward. I will keep moving toward the day I get to see him again, regardless of what is thrown my way.
I will keep asking for goodness and expecting miracles because I still believe they are possible.
Surprise me, June.
Give me restoration. I’m asking for burning coals… tons of them. Mountains of blessings. Piles of love. Buckets of hope. I’m asking for this hole to be filled, for these cracks to be mended, for these tears to be saved, for this heart to be used.
For his story to help.
Surprise me with all the things.
Here are a few verses that carry me through…
1 Peter 5:10
Through her vulnerability and a generous dose of honesty and humor, Holly Chamberlain encourages and empowers others to find joy in every moment… even the impossible ones.
Holly is Regional Sales Director for a global pharmaceutical company and Founder of The aMasongrace Project, a suicide prevention organization. She is an advocate, speaker, and blogger. Her widely-read blog, “It’s Just Me” chronicled her journey of surviving suicide loss.Her latest endeavor, “Totally Enough,” is focused on empowering women of all ages to recognize their unique value, to walk in abundance, and to rest in the knowledge that they are already enough. As is.
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